


thanks for stopping by

by humaling



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Elementary School, Alternate Universe - High School, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Not Beta Read, Some Fluff, Some angst, but not too angsty, inspired by some poems i love (link in the notes), jeno is a theater kid, jisung is mentioned here like once, just renjun finding love in different people at different times, longer than i intended it to be h a h a, love is not just romantic love!!!, no end game (sorry), renjun-centric, use of korean honorifics (i just used oppa because big brother just sounds ......)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:47:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24924115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humaling/pseuds/humaling
Summary: In which Huang Renjun had met love four times and each time love was in a different form.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun & Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Huang Ren Jun & Mark Lee, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 42





	thanks for stopping by

**Author's Note:**

> — note: some sentences/lines in this work are open for interpretation! and remember that love isn't just romantic love ♡. i planned to make this short (like about 7k words more or less) but i had too much fun writing jeno's and jaemin's parts hhhh. also this is heavily inspired by [when love arrives](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPG6nJRJeWQ&t=56s) by sarah kay and phil kaye and [ if you decide to love someone](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mR6RUVoj_4k) by miles carter, please go check them out and send your support. i don't have a beta so sorry for mistakes. enjoooooy !!!!  
>   
> twt: [direamz](https://twitter.com/direamz)  
> cc: [22glow](https://curiouscat.qa/22glow)

"Love was Lee Donghyuck."

The first time Huang Renjun had met love was the summer of 2006 at Hyeopjae beach in Jeju, South Korea, exactly a year after they had moved to Seoul from Jilin, China.

When his father had told them with a very bright expression on his face a week before that "We are going on a vacation," Renjun was nothing but ecstatic. Going to a whole other island to go swimming was a bit over-the-top, yes, but it wasn't in any way unwelcomed, and it turns out his father had been planning for their little family excursion ever since the summer holidays started to celebrate their one year anniversary of moving to another country. His parents simply adored the outdoors and it surely rubbed off on him because the news caused his tiny six-year-old heart to shake within his ribcage with excitement and the same tottering movement of his muscle organ happened again as he stepped out of the car and felt the warm beach breeze rush past him.

You might ask: "how does love come upon a child?" A child who believed when his parents told him that if he swallows a seed it will grow into a tree in his stomach. A child who threw his lower-jaw tooth onto the roof and wished for it to be replaced with the tooth of a mouse. A child who still thinks Santa Claus exists and still sends him a very long wish list for Christmas. A child who had snot running from his nose every few seconds. 

Well, if Renjun can love his parents the moment he opened his eyes and their faces were clear in his vision, who's to say it isn't possible for him to encounter it with another person? 

Now Renjun didn't expect to meet love at such a young age either and he didn't expect it to be in a beach where the sand was pale cream, the water was sparkling and the people basked in the sun's full glory—but love is love and it finds a way.

And it really did.

It was when he was picking up seashells to decorate his sandcastle, a little boy came up to him and asked, "Can I play with you?" with hopeful eyes. Love was in the form of a child who just turned 6 like Renjun. He had long curly hair that sometimes covered his eyes. He had tons of moles that if connected would form the Little Dipper. Love stumbled upon trying to pronounce Renjun's name when they introduced themselves to each other. Love was Lee Donghyuck who just moved to Jeju a few days ago and is going through the same 'still trying to adapt to a new environment' process he went through a year ago. 

Renjun, with a big grin said "Sure," and led him to his unfinished sandcastle and they started decorating it.

From that one small moment, love made Renjun feel happier than how he ever felt whenever there was a power outage and his mom had to light up a candle and put it on his desk and entertain him with balloons because he couldn't watch T.V. The two played together in the freezing water that already reached their waists in just a few steps, they shared jellies and snacks that Donghyuck's mother brought from Seoul, they had fun despite the wet sand between their tiny toes and ice-cold lemonade dripping down their chins. They shared sincere, genuine laughs and Renjun learned that love had a really warm smile which he wasn't afraid to smile back to even if he was missing one of his teeth, because he knew love wouldn't mind.

But that wasn't the only thing he learned, Renjun learned a lot about love and love learned equally as much about him.

Renjun learned that love absolutely _loved_ to sing and wants to be a singer when he grows up. He learned that love was a big Michael Jackson fan (and probably still is one now). He learned that love wants to dye his hair red if ever his mother agrees. He learned that his favorite colors are red and black, that he likes to pretend he's a superhero who saves the world, that he collects Transformers action figures, and that he's incredible at playing ddakji. He learned that love was the face of pure joy and happiness, the type you would want to see forever. 

And he didn't know back then what the feeling of contentment and comfort was as Donghyuck held his hand before they jumped from the tall rocks of Hyeopjae beach and into the salty water that would embrace their every piece of skin. All he knew was that his hand was as warm as his smile and Renjun never wanted to let go. Even when they were in the air and he felt like he was flying and his insides twisted like pretzels, even with the deafening splash that would usually scare him, even when they were already in the water and both of their heads were immersed in the cold, even if both of their hands were starting to get pruny—he didn't want to let go.

But when they swam up to the surface with their hands still holding to each other and their hair salty and full of sand, Donghyuck's mother greeted them with a sweet smile and said "Hyuckie, we need to go home say goodbye to your friend," Renjun's tiny heart sank to his stomach in dismay. His friend is leaving, _love is leaving_.

Donghyuck looked at his mother sadly and told her, "but I don't wanna go, I wanna play with Renjun more." Renjun felt his grip on his hand tighten a bit and he looked at the other's face. Donghyuck's eyes were starting to water, Renjun didn't like it one bit.

He faced Donghyuck and started nagging at him, "if you don't go home Optimus Prime will be lonely." That seemed to catch Donghyuck's attention as he gasped and said, "you're right! I don't want that."

Renjun grins at him, "then you have to go home. Don't forget me, okay?"

Donghyuck nodded, he looked down to his feet and mumbled, "we'll always be friends, right?" and Renjun nodded back at him too and raised his pinky finger, "I promise." The other's face lit up, he linked his pinky with Renjun's and beamed at him. Donghyuck waved goodbye to him as his father carried him and walked away.

Slowly, he disappeared, vanished like a magician in one of those children parties.

At the young age of 6, Huang Renjun had to come to terms with the fact that love doesn't always stay, love doesn't necessarily have to stay. Was he sad? Yes, but he didn't cry, because Donghyuck's words comforted him and stayed with him.

During the drive back to Seoul, as the sun began to set, all he thought about was the fun he had and the other boy himself. _I wonder when I'll see Donghyuck again. Will he show me his action figure collection one day? Maybe I should listen to Michael Jackson when I get home. Maybe I should bring Moomin when we play._ A lot of ideas formed in his mind for when he sees Donghyuck again. 

But the universe had other plans for the two and that was to be the first and last time Renjun would ever see the face of Lee Donghyuck. 

Renjun, the stubborn child he is, didn't think it would be the last time he'll see love. He refuses to believe it. No. Renjun watched Breaking the Magician's Code, magicians always have secrets on their tricks, you just have to find the trapdoor hard enough. This wouldn't be the last he'll see love, they were just playing a game of hide-and-seek and love was the one hiding. He knows that someday love will reappear from that trapdoor again, complete with the smoke illusion and all that, and Renjun will feel the same sense of safety he felt when love's hand was holding his own.  
  
  
  


"Love was Mark Lee."

The second time Renjun met love he didn't recognize him, he didn't even think that was love.

Fifth grade, the start of a new school year, and maybe the year love finally appears before him again. Renjun knows what love looked like and what love's name is. How hard could it be to find him? He'd probably recognize him at first glance if love were to walk in his homeroom on the first day of class.

So he waited, he waited for love to arrive, he waited for a certain Lee Donghyuck to come crashing through the homeroom door and say "Renjunnie!" with the most excited tone and the biggest smile on his face. He waited for a week but there was no student named Lee Donghyuck in his homeroom.

But eleven year old Huang Renjun didn't lose hope, he kept searching and searching, he kept waiting for love to magically reappear. Renjun knew love was in that school, maybe he was just checking the wrong classroom, maybe he was just searching the wrong hallways. Love was there, he was sure of it.

And love really was there.

Just not like love at all.

Love was different now, he looked different. He didn't have the same constellation-like moles that adorned his face and neck. He didn't have the same curly hair which Renjun thought resembled cotton candy. Love didn't know anything about Michael Jackson but his songs Thriller, Billie Jean and Man in the Mirror.

Math class, Renjun was answering the test Ms. Kwon, his Math teacher, had made for the class about the rules of finding the area of a rectangle and a parallelogram when he suddenly felt someone lightly tap his shoulder from behind, and naturally, he would look back. "Yeah?"

The person behind him looks at him apologetically, "Hi, uh, sorry. Do you have an extra pen? Mine just lost its ink." He chuckles awkwardly right after. Renjun has a second thought before finally nodding and deciding to let him borrow one of his extra pens. It's not that Renjun was greedy with his things, it's just that the one asking to borrow it is Mark Lee, Renjun has seen the boy bite on his pen a couple of times already and he doesn't really want his pen to have bite marks and spit on it. He was one of those grade school dweebs. Nevertheless, he still let him borrow it, who knows what karma he'd get if he refuses to do so?

"Thanks a lot!" He beams at him. And Renjun gets back to the task at hand.

After the test, Mark tapped on his shoulder again and gave him his pen back. Renjun was a bit wary at first, the amount of germs he could get with just holding the pen which most probably got inside another person's mouth disgusts him to the core. When Renjun took a glance at the pen though, he didn't see a single bite mark and not even a shine or a sparkle from the possible proof of having liquid on its surface. The pen was clean! Absolutely ship-shape!

 _Bamboozled._ Yes, that was the right term for what he was feeling. Who would've thought the boy wasn't careless with other people's things? Renjun shouldn't have judged him so much, then maybe he wouldn't be more bamboozled by the fact that love can be in the shape and form of a different person and that love turned out to be Mark Lee. 

Yes, love was Mark Lee.

No wonder Renjun didn't recognize love, he was so busy finding someone who was now just a part of his past rather than who was already there in his present. Love was in his homeroom all along, he wasn't searching the wrong classroom or the wrong hallway, love was there sitting behind him, he just failed to notice soon enough.

Now, love came with an unfamiliar mole on his cheek, a dimple on his other cheek and a tiny gap between his two front teeth. Love styled his fringes to the side. He was so different from past-love, but he had the same flame of warmth in his eyes as him.

Next day came and Mark gave Renjun strawberry milk during recess, "as thanks for lending me your pen yesterday, if you didn't lend it to me I would've failed the test," he said with a big toothy smile. The day after that, Renjun forgot to bring his eraser and Mark lent him his. "You don't like to draw when you don't have an eraser with you, right?" And Renjun didn't even know that others knew he liked to draw, he didn't know that Mark noticed such a thing about him. And maybe that's when he decided to learn more about the other.

He learned that love wants to become an author or an ice cream man, two very different career choices, he knows. Love was born in Toronto, moved to Queens, New York when he was 7 and moved to South Korea a year after. Love misses eating burgers from A&W while his dad drank the root beer. Love played the flute and is in the band. Love liked swimming in the pool. Love's favorite fruit is watermelons. Love never believed in Santa Claus unlike Renjun who used to write long lists of what he wants for Christmas and even asked his parents to send it to the North Pole. Love cared about the smaller details rather than the bigger picture.

One day, the homeroom teacher was asking the pupils who wanted to represent the class in a drawing contest. Mark raised his hand, and cheerily said "Renjun's really good at drawing, I think he should do it." Renjun quickly faces him and sends him daggers with his eyes that seem like he was telling him to shut up right this instant. "What are you talking about? I'm not that good," he whisper-shouts at him. Mark's cheery face did not falter as he whispers back, "I've seen your drawings before, and you're really good. I also have a good feeling you'll win. If you don't really want to do it then you can refuse. But I just feel like this'll be a great opportunity to show others what you can do, you know?" And Renjun didn't have the guts to get mad and dislike him because he might act first before he thinks but he had no ill-intentions.

It was hard to hate love.

"So, Renjun will you represent the class?" 

"I, uh, I'll think about it."

And after a lot of contemplating, Renjun accepted. It was a good opportunity to showcase his talent and boost his self-confidence and a good opportunity to try to improve his drawing skills. He won the contest and Mark was the first one to find out. The other boy congratulated him, "I knew you'd win!" and hugged him. There was that same feeling of comfort and safety he felt the first time he had physical contact with love, he missed it.

"Thanks for believing in me." 

"I will always believe in you and I think you should too."

That got stuck in Renjun's mind for a long time. Love might not believe in Santa Claus, sure, but love believed in Renjun and his capabilities just like his parents always did. And while love believed in him, he also showed Renjun to believe in himself. He made him think that, _wow_ , even an 11 year old boy from Seoul can move mountains, can take over the world if he truly wants to, figuratively that is.

And love was there to be his strength. Love was never weakness, love was the reason he was strong in a world where being invincible is impossible.

But then it happened again. Love was disappearing once again. It wasn't as extreme as that of the first time wherein Lee Donghyuck vanished and was never to be seen again, no, 6th grade came and Mark Lee and Renjun Huang were put in different classes. They were too busy in their own classes and hung out with different people. They did not have a big falling out, they simply just failed to stay in touch.

Renjun, scared that love really might disappear, tried to reach out to the other and hang out with him when they reached 7th grade. Meeting with Mark again worried him a lot. What if they make efforts for the conversation to go on just for the sake of old times? What if behind the smiles and laughs they will share are two souls just trying to carry the dregs of an already dead friendship, each too sentimental to quite let go? 

But when Mark had accepted his invitation willingly all of his worries melted away. Mark did feel a bit different to Renjun, their connection wasn't as strong but it was still there. "I've been wanting to hang out with you again but didn't have the chance to, you always looked really busy." His voice felt familiar as if he heard it just yesterday and his laugh still had that ring to it that Renjun could never get tired of. _Love didn't disappear at all._ Time simply took its turn and they weren't as close as they had been before. 

Human relationships are complex, each relationship differs from the other just like the fingerprints of each of our fingers. Some relationships don't come in full stops—instead they come with commas. It's up to the people involved in the relationship if they choose to keep going and do the efforts to make it happen. Friendships aren't always about being in constant touch or being there in all important moments. It's being there when the other person needs you the most. 

They would still be part of your life even in invisible ways. And when Renjun meets Mark again in his life, no matter what there will still be an attachment and the friendship continues from where it was left.

And when it happens that Renjun and Mark choose to stop, if they choose to not show efforts to continue, if the sense of familiarity isn't there like it was before, then they are not part of each other's lives anymore. The thread once broken is broken and now the people who were in that relationship are now just people who know each other. When that happens then it happens, love is to go once again the time love should but it is to leave the happiness that it made with him _with him_ , as it is a heart and it never lets one forget about the times love made them happy.

  
  
  
  
  


"Love was Lee Jeno."

The third time he found love, he didn't. It was love who found him, more specifically in the highschool art classroom while he was trying to draw his favorite character from a cartoon he used to watch in his childhood.

Love came through that very door with so much impact it made Renjun jump and drop his pencil. You could say love came in with a bang. Love was just as surprised as Renjun was when he found out that someone was inside the room. "Sorry for not knocking, I thought no one was here so I just opened it carelessly." He apologizes.

Renjun, very much baffled still with the situation sinking into his brain a bit slower than you'd expect, said. "It's fine, really," and the other boy bowed to him and once again said sorry. 

"I told you it's fine. Now, I'm sure there's a reason you have come here?" he asks the other while bending down to pick up his pencil.

"Ah, yes, uhm, Mr. Yu said we could borrow them to use for our props yesterday and the props master asked me to come get them for her," the other responds, his words seem unsure like he's asking a question and not making a statement.

"Props?" He tries to rack up his memory of whatever conversation he had with Mr. Yu, the art club advisor, the day before about letting other students use the tools for non-class activities. "Oh, you're one of the theatre kids I suppose? Yeah, the paintbrushes are in the second drawer to the right. Give me your name and class though so I know who borrowed them and could remind you to bring them back." He stands up and gets the record book and the pen from the table and starts scribbling down the date and "10 paintbrushes" on one of the pages.

"Ah, yes. I'm Lee Jeno, like the Je in jelly not Jae, from Class 11-A. Don't worry, the theatre club will bring it back as soon as we're done using them." He was a bit awkward with holding conversations but Renjun had found the way he had explained how to spell his name with the use of the word jelly very amusing. Renjun passes him the record and the pen so the boy can write his signature. 

"Alright. I'm Huang Renjun, Class 11-B, art club president, nice to meet you. Please take proper care of the brushes, if you're using acrylic paint don't let it dry on them, don't get paint on the ferrule, never store them vertically in the water because it'll bend the bristles—actually nevermind, you can just search how to take care of paintbrushes in google I'm sure something will pop-up. Just please make sure you clean the brushes after usage and make sure they're all complete before you bring them back," he tells him in one go, a bit fast-paced. It makes the other boy, now named Jeno, confused before passing the record book and the pen back to Renjun and responding with a "sure?" 

There he was again unsure with his statements.

Renjun raises a brow at him, "is that a question?"

Jeno's eyes widened, taken aback. "No! No, I'm gonna do all that, don't worry. Uh, I gotta go now, practice, thank you by the way." He says and waves to the other while dashing away with the paintbrushes and Renjun notices how his raven locks bounced with every step he took.

He was kinda cute, Renjun admits, despite the fact that he seems to be confused and unsure most of the time. _The mole under his eye is kinda cute too._

The next time he saw Jeno it was a week later during lunch time in his class, Class 11-B, which is not Jeno's class at all. He was eating his packed lunch when all of a sudden he heard a somewhat familiar voice from the door saying, "hi, is Huang Renjun here?" and almost chokes on his chicken. He looks up to see the face of Lee Jeno. _Why is he here?_

His classmate calls up to him, "Renjun someone's looking for you!" He starts walking towards him leaving his packed lunch on his desk.

He clears his throat and puts on a somewhat welcoming smile. "Hi Jeno! Uh… Why are you here?" he asks, his smile unwavering.

"I'm bringing back the brushes we borrowed. All 10 brushes are here and properly taken care of, bristles not bent, not frayed and not brittled, and the ferrules and handles are clean. I told you you don't have to worry." Jeno grins at him in satisfaction and shows him the brushes.

He looks at the brushes that were in Jeno's hand in disbelief and then looks up at him again. "You know, you could've just given them to me after class, when I'm at the art room. I don't bring the record book with me, what if I forget to write that you already gave it back?" 

"Then I'll just make sure you don't forget." He grins at him again, this time bigger. And Renjun notices that Jeno's eyes curve into a smile along with his lips, like two crescent moons shining upon him. He seems to notice a lot of things about Jeno more than he does with others.

Renjun quirks an eyebrow at him, a bit curious on what the other will do. "And how will you do that?"

Jeno's grin seems to get bigger than before and he doesn't even know how that's possible. "You'll just see." He chuckles a bit before quickly putting the brushes on Renjun's hands and walking away, leaving the Chinese boy dumbfounded. 

_What in the hell was Lee Jeno going to do?_

And he got the answer to that question real quick. When Renjun had opened the door to the Art room the first thing he saw was Jeno sitting on one of the stools, looking his way like he was waiting for him all this time. "Um.. What are you doing here?" Renjun asks him, surprised and slightly confused as to why he was there.

"I'm here to remind you that I brought back the paintbrushes." He says, as if what he was doing was of the ordinary.

_Is he serious?_

"Okay then, I have been reminded and I will write it in the record book so you can go now." Renjun responds sweetly but with venom in his voice and Jeno seemed to notice this. "Well, that's rude. I was just trying to remind you. Do you not want me to be here?" Jeno's brows are knitted together upwards and his lips formed into a frown. 

_I messed up, didn't I? Curse my mouth for not being able to shut up._

"I guess you don't want me here, goodbye then." He walks past Renjun and closes the door behind him once he is out of the room. 

Renjun felt absolutely terrible for saying that, hence why he decided to make it up to him the day after. _How_ , you ask? By buying him a chocolate bar and putting a sticky note on top of it that says "sorry for yesterday, i was rude to you and i apologize. -hrj" and asking one of his classmates to put it under his desk. Yeah, Renjun isn't really used to doing this kind of stuff and he's not even sure if Jeno will like it. _Did Jeno see it?_ Yes, and he came barging into the Art room later that day with the bar of chocolate in his hand. 

“So you don’t hate me then?” He asks Renjun, his expression unreadable.

“Jeno, I barely even know you, how could I hate you.”

"You don’t dislike me being here?” 

“No. I just didn’t know how to respond because I was confused. People don’t normally go here more than once unless you’re an art club member—some art club members don’t even go here every time they need to so I’m not used to people being here.”

Jeno finally shows his pearly-whites and Renjun felt all the weight fall off his shoulders. “That could change.” 

At first Renjun didn't know what he meant by that but when Jeno continuously went to the Art room just to greet Renjun everyday after class he started to understand. He doesn't know why he's doing this. Out of pity? Out of boredom? He wants to find out. One day, he just couldn't take it anymore and confronted him about it.

"Jeno why are you doing this?" He asked as Jeno came through that very door. The boy, befuddled, only looks at him in return which prompts Renjun to continue. "I mean, why do you go here everyday? Don't you need all the practice you can get for theatre? Isn't your musical two weeks from now?"

"Well, this is my way of hanging out with you."

"And why do you want to hang out with me?"

"I just want to." 

Renjun reckons he wouldn't be able to just get enough of Jeno's smile, even if he was to see it everyday and even if the owner of the smile is as unpredictable as Seoul's weather. Jeno looks back and pulls something from his pocket. "Speaking of the musical, would you like to watch it?" He shows him the ticket to the musical and waits for Renjun to accept and take it. 

_Me? He wants me to go watch him perform?_ Now, Renjun began making conspiracies that maybe this was fake and he was just having a fever dream but was immediately stopped with the sincere look in Jeno's eyes. He looked like he really wanted him to go, and Renjun can't possibly say no to a nice person who genuinely wants him to show up in their performances. But then again, why does Jeno want him to go so bad? To the point that he was willingly giving him a ticket for free? They weren't friends, or maybe they were friends and Renjun just didn't know. _Oh, gosh._

He thinks and decides to just take the ticket from Jeno's hand. "Sure." _Ah, whatever_. He decided to just go for it and not think of anything behind the other's actions, besides, Renjun liked musicals anyway.

"Really? I mean, great! Great! The venue and the time is written on the ticket. Uh, I gotta go to rehearsals now or Mr. Son will give my role to another student. Bye Renjun." And just like that he was out of the art room.

Then came the day of the musical and Renjun's in a crisis on whether he's going to buy a bouquet of flowers for Jeno or not. Giving someone flowers after their performance to congratulate them on doing a good job was a nice thing to do, but were they even that close to give each other flowers to begin with? After contemplating for some time he settles on buying it. _This is just to show my gratitude for giving me a ticket for free. That's all there is to it._

He was finally at the venue, sitting on the designated chair that was written on his ticket. It wasn't very near the stage nor was he far, it was just the right location to see all of the stage and take in every single piece of detail in it. The musical Jeno was playing in was called Newsies, a musical play based off of the Newsboys' strike of 1899 in New York City. He has watched the movie adaptation of it, it was factually flawed and not that accurate in some ways but it was as accurate as a Disney musical can get and it was fairly enjoyable and entertaining with the fun songs and choreography. The characters were also so great, he especially liked the character of David Jacobs and his development as the story progressed.

So you could just imagine his shock when he saw Jeno on the stage trying to buy 20 newspapers from the character playing Wiesel. _Jeno is Davey?_ The raven-haired boy didn't tell him he was going to portray an important character, Renjun assumed he would just be part of the ensemble like Race or Henry. 

Jeno wasn't even the lead but Renjun felt his eyes follow the boy every time. He was just so great. The way a lot of people were on the stage doing the newspaper choreography during Seize The Day but he was still noticeable. The way he was absolutely oozing with passion while performing The World Will Know with the other characters. And how he portrayed the role so well while performing the reprise of Watch What Happens. He didn't know if that was just him noticing but Jeno was dazzling, he was sparkling out there, he was spectacular. And Renjun was utterly speechless, it only processed into his brain that the musical ended when the audience around him started clapping and cheering so he clapped along with them.

He rushed to the backstage right after to meet Jeno, with the bouquet in his hand and his heart racing of excitement to tell him how he did so well. Jeno didn't even have the time to get shocked and greet Renjun first when the other already rambled on about him and the performance. "Oh my gosh! Jeno, you were so great out there! When you were dancing with newspapers during Seize The Day? Absolutely phenomenal. I could watch you perform it everyday." He stopped himself from gushing even more when he realized what he said. "I mean, not everyday. You did great." He keeps stumbling on his words and Jeno was not helping him with that very distracting smile of his. "I'm glad you like my performance."

He feels his face burn by the moment and quickly gives him the bouquet of flowers without thinking. "I, uh, bought these flowers for you." Jeno looks at it, stunned, and looks at Renjun again happily. "Thank you so much. Say, Renjun, want to go eat at McDonald's with me?"

"Huh? Don't the school's theatre kids have this tradition where they go to some place to eat and celebrate? Why do you want to go to a fast-food chain with me?" 

"Well, firstly, I want to thank you for watching my performance even if we're not that close yet, and you even gave me a bouquet to congratulate me. Secondly, I don't have to go with them, there's a 50% chance they'll just start randomly singing Carrying The Banner in a restaurant, totally disrupt and annoy the customers there, and most probably get themselves kicked out and while I do think that would be fun I would rather much go to a fast-food chain with you than experience all that." Jeno then chuckles, his sweet joyful voice filling Renjun's ears, before continuing, "So, what do you say? It's my treat."

And Renjun accepted the offer, who wouldn't accept an offer like that, _right?_

Jeno drove them to the place after he was done changing from his costume. They had fun chatting and just laughing with each other. And Renjun found out that they had some similarities, and that Jeno is a nice and funny guy (and also kinda cute). 

Renjun learned that Jeno simply adores cats and owns three of them even though he is allergic of them. He learned that Jeno can play the guitar and the violin. He's fairly good at sports. Renjun learned that love absolutely loves cars. That love enjoys playing video games. That love's favorite color is pink. That love has a terrible sense of direction. That love listens to loud music when he's sad. That love hates tech week with a burning passion and looks forward to choreography week every time. That love has always wanted to perform on a stage when he was young. They didn't notice they talked for so long already until the workers of the place told them that it was already late.

Jeno drove Renjun to his home and they bid each other goodbye. The Chinese went to bed with his heart all giddy, his stomach full of butterflies and the face of the boy he spent time with a while ago in his mind. 

_The newsboy cap looked good on him._

And that's probably where it all started. Jeno would always visit him in the art room. They would eat lunch together and hang out with each other after school or during weekends when Jeno doesn't have rehearsals. They would watch illegally recorded videos of Jeno's favorite musicals on Youtube with questionable titles. They would still be awake until 1 am just because they were talking on the phone with each other (even though Jeno doesn't really get sleep at all normally.) Love was the one who asked the important question. “Would you be my boyfriend?” And Renjun hugged him so hard out of the overflowing happiness. Love was the reason Renjun lied to his parents. “Mom, I’m going to… Hyunjin’s house to make a school project.” But he went straight to Jeno’s house just to cuddle with him in his bed. Love took Renjun to prom and made sure they danced to every slow song. Love _loved_ him and took care of him and gave him what he needed and so did he.

Love grew, love stretched like a balloon. 

Love might be annoying at times with his constant musical theatre jokes and references only he and other theatre kids could understand but maybe that's part of why Renjun feels like this about him. Another part would be how love is such a good kisser and knew just what Renjun wanted. Love wasn't always good at this though, he was also clumsy at first, he just started to improve bit by bit everytime he kissed Renjun. Jeno was Renjun’s first kiss and Renjun was his. They were both inexperienced so it was already expected that their teeth clashed and got in the way the first few times but they were glad that the other was the one they experienced it with. As the days went by they grew to learn more about each other, the other’s habits, what the other wants, what the other feels even though they're not with them, how the other wants to be kissed or hugged, so Jeno's kissing skills improved based on Renjuns preferences. You could just imagine how many kisses were shared in that small art room. 

But like how love grew bigger like a balloon it grew smaller too. Balloons aren't invincible, they are not indestructible. Balloons can either pop or lose air over time. And for Jeno and Renjun, it was the latter. Gradually losing the parts that were once illuminated with so much joy until it finally ended. Like a long rollercoaster ride until it slowed down and came to a full-stop. _It ended._

Love doesn't disappear, it does not vanish from the face of the earth. He knows that now. Love ends, love goes away but it leaves a mark, a feeling, a memory that will stay in your heart forever. Renjun knows this, so why is he shouting and crying for a love he felt was real that ended just like that?

Because to Renjun, losing his first ever romantic love was like losing baby teeth when he was young, the parts he thought he needed. The boy felt this panic rush into him as he did not understand that this 'love' wasn't going to be a permanent thing in his life. But even real love has to end, even real love is not meant to always stay forever. Sometimes love in the shape and form of that person goes when they have served their purpose, and that's what happened to Donghyuck and Mark, only they were a different type of love than Jeno.

But now he understands that baby teeth are replaceable just as how you can find romantic love in a different person. Jeno is not the love of Renjun's life, but he was the love for a fraction of it. When time passes by, the love will still be there but not as strong as what it was. The love will still be there but Renjun wouldn't be in the state of being in-love anymore. The love will still be there just a different kind of love, the distant one where Renjun wishes only good things to come to Jeno's way but his heart is no longer yearning for his presence and dreams no longer being haunted by his face and his voice and his whole being. 

Now, Renjun is on a new path, and so is Jeno. Jeno may have moved on already but so will Renjun. _Trust the process of healing,_ they always say. It might not happen as quickly as he wants it to but it will happen, other people's pace of healing doesn't have to be his too. Renjun will heal, and he will be ready to love once again in a matter of time. 

  
  
  
  
  


"Love was Na Jaemin."

The fourth time he met love it hit him in the face, _literally._ First week in university, he was just in the hallways walking to his next class when he suddenly heard someone say, "incoming!" So he stops on his tracks, looks back to see where the voice came from and a shoe hits him square in the face.

"Oh fuck! Shit, I'm so sorry." He hears the voice again, louder than before. By this time Renjun was already red, reason would be because his face stung so much, the loud smack noise when the sole had come in contact with his face is enough proof that the shoe hit him very hard. Another reason is that there are a lot of people in the hallways looking at both him and the guy who hit him with a shoe and Renjun has never felt more embarrassed than ever that he just stood there completely frozen. He just wants the ground to swallow him whole right there.

A boy with shocking blue hair ran up to him and started bowing and apologizing as soon as he was in front of Renjun. "I'm so so _so_ sorry." Renjun felt stares burning the back of his head and already knew people were either snickering silently or gossiping about him with their friends so he just sprinted away to his class to escape the very humiliating situation, leaving the guy who hit him in the middle of the hallways still bowing.

Oh, how he wishes to just forget that whole experience, but his brain seemed to always like replaying that certain scene the following nights after that just before he goes to sleep, ending up with him not getting some decent amount of shut-eye at all. And he also wishes to not end up bumping with the guy who hit him because that would just rub salt into the wound, but we don't live in a perfect world where we don't jinx ourselves and Renjun totally jinxed himself. 

He was just minding his own business in one of his Wednesday to Friday classes when all of a sudden the door opened and then came in the same blue-haired guy saying, "Sorry, I'm late."

Renjun expected he was going to see the boy one way or another. He saw the other for the first time in the Fine Arts building hallways, so what would the guy be doing there if he didn't take any classes in that building? The department building also wasn't that big either which was understandable because Arts students aren't as many as those in the Engineering department or any other department. It's only obvious that they were bound to see each other, but Renjun thought they would just see each other _in the hallways_ , maybe just bumping into him or passing by him, if that happens it would be so much easier for him to just look away and act like he didn't see or doesn't remember the other. He didn't think they'd have similar classes. How was he supposed to act like he doesn't remember him now?

The boy sat in the same row as Renjun. He stayed still and had his eyes fixated on the professor so the other won't recognize his face. He planned to just clean up his stuff and bolt out of there as fast as he could once the class ended, but that didn't work out. While he was quickly putting his stuff in his bag the blue-haired boy suddenly was already in front of his table. "Hey, uh, you know this already but I was late in class and I want to know if the professor said some important things about the class before I came so I won't get left behind—wait I know you… you're the guy that got hit in the face with my shoe!" Renjun already anticipated that this would be embarrassing but he didn't think it would be _this_ embarrassing. Who in their right mind would just say that outloud knowing full-well that there are still students in the room?

"Yeah, that's me," Renjun chuckles awkwardly. _What's he gonna do? Start bowing again? I'm already embarrassed as it is._ "Yeah, I'm not apologizing to you for that anymore, buddy." The boy smiles at him sarcastically.

 _Huh?_ "What?"

"I was being nice to you, saying sorry and bowing nonstop but you just left me there in the hallways. I looked up and saw you weren't there anymore, people were staring at me weirdly because I was bowing to no one." He laughs, spiteful and as sarcastic as his facial expression. "Well, I'm gonna ask somebody else, bye." Renjun sat there, slack-jawed, as the boy walked away.

 _What just happened?_ Renjun has never felt more shocked in his whole life before. He was the one who got hit in the face with a shoe. He was the one who got embarrassed in front of so many people and this guy had the audacity to say all of that to him? _Whatever! I don’t want anything to do with that guy anyway._ He huffed, finished packing up his things and went to his next class in a bad mood.

Later that night, Renjun reached a decision to just never speak to the other and straight-up just ignore him in the whole class. He doesn't want to see him, he doesn't want to hear his voice, he doesn't want to be anywhere near him because he'll most probably lose it and _it_ wouldn't be pretty.

But, _alas_ , the universe once again was not in his favor. About two months in, the professor decided to give them another plate and he decided to make it "by partners." And guess who he got paired up with? _Ding ding!_ You guessed it right, blue-haired boy. For two months, Renjun has successfully ignored and avoided him so he won't go berserk in class and kick him in the ass—he didn't even know the guy's name before the professor had paired them up because his brain (mostly just him being bitchy) refused to remember it even if he's been in class with him for quite a while already. And now, all that hard work was going to waste. 

What was he going to do now? He doesn't want anything to do with the other but he doesn't want to fail either. After much contemplation, Renjun stands up and walks over to the blue-haired boy, now named Jaemin and says, "Give me your phone number." And Jaemin just looks at him in confusion. "And why should I?" he asks, not so nicely prompting Renjun to roll his eyes and scoff. 

"Look, I don't like this as much as you do, _buddy_. But I want to pass this class, and Professor Ha won't allow me to change partners or do the plate by myself. I need your number so we can know each other's schedule and assign the dates on when we're gonna do the plate." 

"Alright, I don't usually give others my number but I'm only doing this because I want to pass too." Jaemin states, before giving Renjun his phone number.

It took a lot of self-control and patience but they surprisingly got to fix their schedule. They were to meet up every Friday to Saturday to make their plate in Jaemin's place. It wasn't Renjun's first choice, but Jaemin was being a pain in the ass and the Chinese just agreed that they'll do the plate at his place so he'd stop being insufferable because if Jaemin continued on with being annoying he promises you that all hell _will_ break loose.

The first meet-up was a total nightmare, they kept bickering with each other, arguing with the other's opinions and just shutting the other's ideas for the plate. They didn't manage to do anything, even planning on what the plate will look like. The second meet-up wasn't that much different from the previous one. The lack of progress made Renjun start to worry, "This isn't good, we aren't getting anywhere." Jaemin lets out a small laugh, mocking Renjun. "No shit, Sherlock." Renjun glares at the other, trying so hard to not go on a rampage. "I'm serious, Jaemin. As much as I hate your guts, if we both want to pass we need to actually _work_ together." 

Silence. Jaemin wasn't responding at all. As Renjun was about to open his mouth and say something plausible again so he could convince Jaemin to work with him he was cut off by a sigh from the other. "Fine." 

They decided to have a truce for a bit, be civil with each other until they're done with the plate. That honestly went quite well and they were starting to make progress. 

Renjun realized that the blue-haired boy was actually kind of tolerable when they're not arguing and actually being cooperative with each other. His ideas were also fairly good and creative, and Renjun actually regrets shutting them down before because of his stubbornness. Though that did not mean Jaemin and him were best of friends or chums already, he still finds the other totally unbearable. Call him childish, but hell had to freeze over before he befriends Jaemin.

The fourth day they met-up, Renjun was outside the door, knocking and waiting for Jaemin to let him inside but ten whole minutes had already passed and Jaemin still hadn't opened the door. It was starting to get into his nerves. He pulls his phone from his pocket to try calling him but the other just won't answer.

"Hey, are you looking for Jaemin?" He hears a voice and immediately faces to where it came from. A man, who looked around his age, was standing outside of the apartment next to Jaemin's, he was probably the blue-haired boy's neighbor. "Yes, I was trying to call him to open the door." 

"Oh, Jaemin isn't home yet, he's probably still at the orphanage doing volunteer work like what he always does every Saturday morning. You can go there if you want, the orphanage is just around the street, just tell the security guard you know Jaemin and he'll let you in." 

_Jaemin does volunteer work at an orphanage?_

Well, that was new to Renjun. He didn't expect that Jaemin did stuff like that. To Renjun, Jaemin was just this annoying, loud, intolerable guy who unfortunately looks good with blue hair (as much as he didn't want to admit it). Who knew the boy actually does volunteer work every Saturday morning before they continue making their plate? How did he even have time to do that and college work?

He walks to the orphanage that Jaemin's neighbor told him about and tells the security guard, "hi, I'm looking for Na Jaemin?" and he lets Renjun in without much thought. _Wow, that actually worked, their security sucks._

As he went inside the building, he felt someone poke his shoulder, he looked back and saw a woman who looked a bit older than her mother. "Hello, I can't help but hear that you were looking for Jaemin? Are you his friend?" The woman asked, sporting a big grin on her face. _Friend?_ If the woman wasn't the one who said that he would've laughed hysterically by now because of her unbelievable statement. _Friends? With Jaemin? Ridiculous!_

So instead, he grinned back to her and responded. "I'm just his classmate. We were going to make a school work but Jaemin was late so I decided to go find him."

Her face fell a bit right after Renjun finished talking and nodded. "Oh, that might have been our fault, the kids made him promise last week to stay a bit longer and he didn't want to make them sad. Sorry, the kids just really love Jaemin. I'll take you to him." She tells him with a small smile, but her eyes weren't happy, they were apologetic and her eyebrows were furrowed upwards. 

The woman leads him to a room and Renjun follows her. As he got closer and closer he began to hear someone playing the piano and children singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." What he saw when he got inside stunned him. Jaemin was the one playing it, the little children from the orphanage were singing along to his piano-playing. 

Jaemin was smiling from ear to ear and Renjun has never seen him with that expression before. The love and affection can be seen in Jaemin's eyes as he continues playing, Renjun couldn't help but stare. _He must really love doing this_. When Jaemin had finished playing, the other workers from the orphanage started clapping and the children started cheering.

The woman beside Renjun suddenly called out to the blue-haired boy, "Jaemin, someone's here looking for you." As soon as he turned his head and saw Renjun just standing there his eyes widened. Jaemin stood up, the shock in his face unyielding, and walked towards him and the woman.

"Renjun? What are you doing here?" 

The other raised an eyebrow at him. "Shouldn't I be asking you that? I waited outside your apartment for around ten minutes only to find out you weren't there. You could've at least texted me that you wanted to adjust the schedule or something."

Jaemin looked at him weirdly. "But I _did_ text you, I told you that I was going to be late so you can come to my place at two." Renjun mirrored his expression. "No you didn't? Also I kept calling you a while ago but you won't answer."

Jaemin pulled his phone, "I turned my phone on silent so I can focus on the kids," and opened it, immediately tapping away. "Oh no, the text didn't send. Ah, sorry about that."

 _Did he just say sorry?_

"No, it's fi-" "Nana-oppa, who is this person?" A little child came and pulled on Jaemin's shirt. "This is Nana's friend, Renjun. Say hi to Renjun-oppa, Dayoung." Jaemin picked the little girl up and carried her to his chest. 

_Did he just call me his friend?_

"Hi Renjun-oppa!" The little girl beamed at him and waved her tiny hands, Renjun was still a bit dazed so all he could do was wave back.

"Now, Dayoung why don't you go play with Minseo and Jinhyuk?" The girl nodded her little head enthusiastically and Jaemin put her down. Renjun felt his eyes linger on Jaemin's face as he watched the girl run back to the other kids.

The blue-haired boy turned to Renjun, "have you ever been to an orphanage before?" 

"Yeah, once."

Renjun broke his gaze and fixed his eyes to where Jaemin was looking a while ago. "I've been going here since I was in high school, thought you were curious." He faced Jaemin once again who was smirking, making him scoff. "I'm not."

"Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, huh?" With the stunned look the other was sporting Renjun thinks it was now his turn to smirk at him.

"Hey, if I played a Chopin or a Beethoven piece in front of children they wouldn't be able to appreciate it." Jaemin playfully glares at him.

Renjun laughs, a real laugh, and Jaemin laughs with him. It's the first time they ever shared one. _This is nice. He isn't that bad after all_ , he thought to himself. "Listen, sorry about not texting you about this and I'm sorry that, because of me, we wasted a whole lot of time. We can do the plate earlier next week if you want." 

"It's fine, Jaemin. This seems important to you, so I'll let it slide." He pauses for a bit and then clears his throat. "So, I'm your friend now?" Renjun snickered. Jaemin's face started to grow crimson and looked rather frazzled with what Renjun had said.

"Sorry, we're not really friends, are we?"

"We could've been friends if you apologized to me about the shoe thing." Renjun shrugged and Jaemin got all defensive. 

"I did apologize! But you left me in the hallways."

"Yeah, sorry about that too. I was just really embarrassed and I had to get away from that humiliating situation fast. Try getting hit by a shoe in the middle of the hallways and get stared at." Renjun gave him a humored smile.

"So… permanent truce?" Jaemin offers him his hand which Renjun gladly shakes. "Sure." The other isn't so bad, he was actually quite nice and funny. They just started off the wrong footing. When Jaemin and Renjun had returned back to Jaemin's place to continue with their plate, the mood was obviously lighter than in their previous meet-ups. Jaemin was cracking jokes here and there and Renjun was genuinely laughing at them.

Maybe hell _had_ frozen over.

Renjun stopped avoiding the blue-haired boy in class and they would even sit beside each other. Their next meet-up also went well, and they were making so much progress with their plate that it was almost finished. Jaemin also offered to accompany him out of the apartment building but Renjun refused.

The boy had begun walking to the bus stop when he suddenly felt something wet drop on his head. And another drop. And another. _It was raining._ Renjun wasn't aware it was going to rain today, he didn't even bring his umbrella with him. He went home soaking wet and was sneezing everywhere. His body was freezing but his insides were burning. Renjun had caught a cold. 

The next morning, he had called Jaemin and told him that he wasn't going to his place because he was afraid Jaemin would catch his cold. "Are you home alone? Is no one taking care of you?" Jaemin wasn't there with him but Renjun felt the concern in his voice like he was there. "Yeah, don't worry I can just sleep it off and I'll get better." He tries to laugh but ends up coughing. "Send me your address" Renjun was a bit lightheaded so he didn't question the other and just sent it to him.

_It's not like Jaemin will come here right away._

Around five minutes after that he heard someone knock so he stands up, covers himself with his blanket and slowly walks to the door. He opens it and is greeted by the worried face of Na Jaemin himself. "Jaemin, what are you doing here? It's Saturday today, you have volunteer work. What about the kids?" He says in between coughs, a bit baffled by the other actually coming to his place right away.

"I called them and said I won't be able to come. Now, go lay in your bed. Where's your kitchen?" 

"What are you gonna do with my kitchen?"

"I'm going to cook for you, stupid."

"Why?"

"You're talkative when you're sick."

Renjun glares at him but points him to where his kitchen is and goes to his bed to lie down. Some minutes later Jaemin came into his room carrying soup and a glass of water. "Why are you doing this?" Jaemin places the bowl and the glass on Renjun's bedside table and puts his hand on Renjun's forehead to check his temperature, not even bothering to answer the boy's question.

"You're burning up." 

Renjun started to get irritated as Jaemin didn't answer his question. "You didn't answer my question. I told you that I won't be coming to your place because I don't want you to get sick. Why are you here taking care of me?" Jaemin didn't answer his question once again—he started scooping soup from the bowl, blowing on it and then proceeded to try feeding Renjun. "Now, ahh." 

Renjun turns his head away from the spoon. "No. Stop changing the subject. I told you I can just sleep it off, I'll eventually get better. Why are you here?" He manages to say without coughing.

"Goddammit Renjun, stop being stubborn. You're sick, you're burning up and no one's in here to take care of you so at least let me do it." The other bursts out.

There was a silence. Renjun averts his eyes from the other. "But you'll catch a cold." He mumbles but he makes sure Jaemin is able to hear it.

"I'll be fine, I have a pretty good immune system. Just please eat." 

So that's what Renjun does. 

The day was filled with Jaemin just taking care of Renjun and Renjun just lying down still confused. When Jaemin was about to leave, Renjun got out of his bed and followed him to the door. "Why are you out of bed?"

The boy looked down to his feet and brought his hands together. "I, uh, wanted to thank you for taking care of me, Jaemin." The blue-haired boy smiles at him and responds, "anytime Renjun," before walking out of his apartment.

The next time Jaemin and Renjun saw each other, Renjun felt his insides churn. There was this awkwardness that he didn't know why it was there but there was also this feeling of wanting to show Jaemin his gratitude for taking care of him when he was sick. He tries to disregard the first one and focus more on the latter. 

_Okay, Renjun. All you have to say is 'Hi Jaemin, I'd like to treat you to lunch as thanks for taking care of me the other day.' That's all you have to say._

But why can't he say it?

The awkwardness was just too strong even if he tried to not think about it, he can't even go near the other without turning back and walking away at the last minute and starts to rethink his decisions. He's sure Jaemin wasn't feeling the same awkwardness with Renjun like Renjun does with Jaemin because the boy smiled at him before their shared class had started—which did not help his situation by the way. The boy had started smiling at him since that day in the orphanage, this one wasn't different to the other ones but it made Renjun feel _strange_. The boy's smile sent a shocking sensation to his chest and at that moment Renjun knew that he was doomed. He was starting to garner feelings for Jaemin.

There was no mistaking it, it was the same tingly feeling when he was at McDonald's with Lee Jeno, laughing their heads off at each other's jokes. But while the feelings at that time felt natural, this one felt as if it's weird. While Renjun felt the first one to be ordinary like he had expected it to happen, this one felt like a grenade was suddenly thrown at him without any warning and he had to face it.

It was all so sudden and shocking. Everything was so much easier back when he still hated Na Jaemin, but now he harbored feelings for him. At first he contemplated whether they were real or if he just liked being taken care of and he just let it get into his brain which made him think he had feelings for the other. _Of course,_ the overthinker that he is. He soon found out that they were a hundred percent real. Sure, he did like being taken care of, but would he think this way if another person did it instead of Jaemin? No, he believes he won't. 

It was like a big slap on the face. The sudden realization of "Oh, I'm in love with Jaemin" made his mind go haywire and his stomach flutter. Was he sick? He must be! Well, _lovesick_ , most probably.

Renjun started to notice a lot of things about the other due to the fact that he spent his time staring at him when he was looking away or was busy with their plate. The way his lashes fanned his cheeks when he's blinking or looking downwards, the way almost all of his upper-teeth can be seen when he smiles, the way he looks serious whenever he's doing something important, the way his whole face lights up when he has accomplished something, the way he chuckles to himself when he's reminded of something funny—Renjun adored all of it. And you might think Jaemin has not noticed the look Renjun gives him when he thinks he's not looking but you're wrong, because Jaemin himself looks at the other like that too, the same look of adoration.

Renjun was determined to hide his feelings from him, bury it, avoid it at all costs—even if he had to avoid Jaemin at times during the process. But do you know what happens to buried feelings? They grow. And Renjun really couldn't stop them from growing, he realized he absolutely can't when Jaemin ran up to him just as lunch had started, exuding the same bright energy and saying, "Renjun, our plate got a 100 from Professor Ha!" and the Chinese boy got so excited that his brain didn't register the fact that he was already hugging Jaemin until he felt the other boy's hand tap his back.

"Oh fuck, sorry. Got too excited." And Jaemin just grinned at him and said, "it's okay." 

"Hey, Renjun, do you want to go eat lunch with me? My friend, Jisung didn't come to school today so I'll be alone at lunch," he says, his right hand slowly creeping to his nape to scratch it.

The Chinese couldn't contain the happy expression from his face. "Am I just a second option now? I'm hurt, Na," Renjun teases him, his hand on top of his chest to add a little sprinkle of drama.

"You know you'll never be second, Huang. So will you take the offer?" He said, as the corners of his mouth lifted up. 

"Alright then, let's eat lunch together."

That's when love in the form and shape of Na Jaemin began. 

Love smells different now, a slight fruity scent that was so different from the others. Now there were new sleeping patterns, he loved tangling his legs with Renjun's. Love had different book choices. Love had songs that reminded him of someone else, and so does Renjun. Love likes to play with the children in the orphanage. Love likes to talk with the grandparents in the home of the age. Love likes to donate and do charity work. Love likes to cook and gets very happy when Renjun looks like he enjoys the food he made. Love likes to take pictures of the people he treasures. Love prefers staying inside. Love likes kisses and hugs and is fairly good at giving both.

Love doesn't have the same constellation-like moles on his face like Lee Donghyuck. Love doesn't play flute in a school band like Mark Lee. Love doesn't have the burning hatred for tech week like Lee Jeno. No, because love wasn't the others, he wasn't Donghyuck, nor was he Mark and nor was he Jeno and Renjun didn't care. He was Na Jaemin, and he was not just love, he was also a person, a soul, a being of his own before he even became it. Na Jaemin was a whole universe inside a vessel that Renjun had the opportunity to explore.

And Renjun doesn't need to compare him to the others, he doesn't need to love him like he did with the others because he isn't the others. That love was what it was and it's already finished. That was that, this is this. Renjun is on a new love, new experiences, not better or worse than the past ones but more refined to who he is now rather than who he was before.

Now, he and love found a park bench that fit both of them perfectly, movies that they both like, and new jokes that make both of them laugh. Love is a great driver which complements well with Renjun's navigating skills. Love knows exactly what color Renjun looks best in but it doesn't mean he thinks he looks less beautiful wearing another color. Love is messy, love is simple, love uses the word dick in public, love chews too loud, love has really bad morning breath, love leaves the cap off the toothpaste, love sulks when Renjun doesn't respond to his texts with a heart emoji, love shits and he takes too long in the bathroom.

Love also cries, and Renjun is there to be with him, to listen to him, to lend him a shoulder. And love will tell him how beautiful he is and mean it. Over and over again, "you are beautiful." When he wakes up, when he just finished crying, when he doesn't wanna hear it, when he doesn't believe it, when nobody else will tell him—love will still tell him he's beautiful without getting tired. 

But love is not perfect and will sometimes forget when he needs to hear it most but he will make sure to make it up to Renjun. Love would hurt him but will own up to it and say sorry. Love would make a promise and never break it. Love will tell Renjun he loves him a hundred times and mean every single one of it. 

Now. Love in the form and shape of Na Jaemin will hurt him one last time as he breaks up with Renjun to go to another country for a career he always wanted. And Renjun just lets him. It was a decision they both made. Renjun let love hurt him knowing it was necessary, knowing it was for the best. 

No, Jaemin wasn't the wrong person nor was he the right person at the wrong time. He was exactly the right person at the right time. Life introduces you to someone based on what you need at that time but it is to show you what you need to change about yourself to be ready for the next person coming in your life when you encounter them. And in that moment it was Na Jaemin who he needed, it was Na Jaemin who life introduced and took on the role of love.

And of course, like the others, Jaemin will leave a trace, like a set of footprints on a desert which is heart, without the wild gusts of wind to blow away the memories of each meaningful step, because the heart never forgets what it has once known, especially a love that was born at moments of truth. It will never forget the memories of the person and the attachment he used to have with them, but it does have the ability to welcome the new love that will come in the future and love them just as much.

Yes, love broke him to tiny bits but he knows not to close himself off, shut himself down from others and not give them the chance to enter the experience that is himself, already deeming them unworthy from the start. It's a great big world out there and he has all the time he needs to heal, for his heart will be shaped and reshaped but in the end it will still be in his possession. Renjun will adapt, he will heal. It won't be easy, _love was never easy to begin with_ , but Renjun will heal and he will be okay.

And when he has healed and decides he is ready to love someone again, he will not be afraid to take the risks. He will feel the love thoroughly with every piece of his being whoever love may be, skin and bones, heart, mind and soul. He will welcome love as if a guest coming into his humble abode whom he was waiting for all his life, "Welcome, make yourself comfortable." Love isn't meant to be played safely or measured so surrender your heart, tear down the towering walls guarding it. _Feel love in its purest form_. Love hurts, _it will hurt_ , but it doesn't mean that it is not real. He truly loved Jeno and he loved Jaemin and they loved him too, the emotions were true. 

Don't misunderstand, love will hurt, but if "love" has brought more pain than happiness then that is not love. Love is not meant to be played safely but it is meant to be healthy, like a breath of fresh air in a sanctuary where you feel most comfortable and happy.

Love is a connection, a communication between souls inside physical bodies, can't be seen but felt. Love is beautiful. So open the doors to the heart and welcome the next person that will take on the role of love if you don't want to miss out on love's beauty.

Love may be in another country, already asleep while he's in the bustling city of Seoul, wide awake. Love may not be ready for him yet, both reading the same book but Renjun was just a couple of chapters ahead.

Maybe Renjun will meet love years later. Maybe love is one of his past loves, blooming again from his heart, refreshing all the memories from his mind. Maybe love is one of the people he already knows. Maybe love is only there for a month, for every firework, for every office party, for every sip of intoxicating alcohol as he dances the night away at a club. Maybe love isn't another human but still is a being, not breathing but _so much alive._ Maybe love is his art, his dreams. Maybe love is not romantic. Maybe love is platonic. Maybe love isn't just one person at a time. Maybe love _can love_ more than one person at a time. Maybe love is between friends. Maybe love is Renjun himself, a carrier, an instrument made to share the love that is inside him including sharing it to himself.

Maybe love stays.

Maybe love can't.

Maybe love _shouldn't_.

Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to and love leaves exactly when love must. Not every experience is meant to last forever.

And when the time comes that love goes away again, he will have the courage to ask love to leave the door open behind them as he turns off the music, hears nothing but their breaths and feels nothing but love's every move. He'll give love a genuine smile and whisper,

_"Thanks for stopping by."_

_\---fin.---_


End file.
